Same Patterns, New Names

Have we really rewritten the dating rules our black mothers dad, or just renamed them?

My mum and dad in their twenties- Image courtesy of Onile-Ere family archive

Ghosting, situationships, breadcrumbing and soft launches have all become defining phrases of modern dating culture. Younger generations now have an endless vocabulary to describe relationship dynamics and behaviours, whether it is emotional inconsistency, romantic confusion or commitment issues.

Modern dating often presents itself as something entirely different from the relationships previous generations experienced. Yet while dating apps and social media have transformed the way people meet and communicate, relationship patterns may not be as different from our mothers’ as we initially think.

In a 2023 Statista survey, 65% of singles in Great Britain said they use dating apps in the hope of finding a meaningful relationship. Despite the rise of casual dating culture online, many young people are still ultimately searching for stability and a long-term connection. However, the path towards those relationships appears to have become increasingly complicated.

What Has Changed?

Psychotherapist Alison Awuku believes modern dating has fundamentally changed in structure, particularly for younger generations navigating relationships through online spaces. “Typically, people are starting out with maybe just talking casually, getting to know each other. Then there’s the exclusive stage, and then officially being in a relationship,” she said. “Previously, I don’t remember there being that many phases before people actually established a fully fledged relationship.”

In order to understand how relationship dynamics have shifted across generations, I spoke to my mother, Kifayat Onile-Ere, who has been married since she was twenty-two, about what dating looked like when she was younger. Unlike many young people today, she described relationships in her generation as being approached with much more long-term intention. “I was always looking for an actual long-term relationship, even from a very young age,” she said. “Everything was meant to lead to marriage rather than him being just a temporary boyfriend.”

On paper, relationships from older generations often appeared more serious. People committed earlier, married younger and stayed together for longer. According to the Office for National Statistics, the median age for first marriage in England and Wales reached 32.7 for men and 31.2 for women in 2022, the highest on record, reflecting how attitudes towards marriage and commitment have shifted over time.

Modern dating has also undeniably given women greater autonomy over their romantic lives. Women are now more financially independent, more emotionally aware, and often more willing to leave unhealthy relationships than previous generations. Awuku believes that younger Black women, in particular, are “less tolerant of unhealthy relational dynamics” and “feel more empowered to walk away.”

For 22-year-old Tiarnna Cassannova, modern dating brings both freedom and confusion simultaneously. “Women have more of a say in what they put up with, and they have more options,” she said. However, she also believes modern relationships can feel emotionally contradictory. “A lot of men want traditional women, but don’t hold traditional male values. There are a lot of dating apps, casual relationships, and not a lot of serious.”

Image: Etim Essang via Pexels

Adults aged 18 to 29 made up the largest group of online dating service users in the UK at 34% in 2024, according to Statista, showing how heavily younger generations now rely on digital spaces to form romantic connections. Yet despite how widespread online dating has become, women appear increasingly disillusioned by it. In 2023, men made up 61% of online dating platform users in the UK compared to 39% of women.

At the same time, some younger women are actively opting out of dating culture altogether. Black Ballad’s 2024 Reader Survey revealed that 40% of its readership, which primarily consists of Black British women, were single and not dating at all, pointing towards growing dissatisfaction and exhaustion surrounding modern dating culture.

What Hasn’t Changed?

Although modern dating is often criticised for lacking commitment, older generations were not necessarily navigating emotionally perfect relationships either. Commitment may have looked clearer on paper, but emotional fulfilment was not always guaranteed. Reflecting on relationships within her generation, Onile-Ere described many women as remaining in unhappy relationships not because they were content, but because leaving often felt unrealistic. Financial dependence, cultural expectations and insecurity all played a role in women staying longer than they should have.

“Definitely not happier,” she said. “Women stayed regardless of whatever they were going through. We were more reliant on men, so we tolerated a lot more.”

While younger women may now appear less willing to settle, many still describe staying in relationships that are unclear or ultimately unfulfilling. For 20-year-old Rashida Mansaray, that emotional ambiguity felt difficult to walk away from. “Yes, for too long,” she said when asked if she had ever stayed in something that was not clearly defined. “We both knew it wasn’t serious, but feelings were involved.”

Similarly, Cassannova admitted she had previously remained in emotionally unclear situations because she did not fully realise she deserved better. “You justify the situation that you’re in,” she explained. “I didn’t realise that that isn’t what I have to deal with.”

The difference may not necessarily be that older generations tolerated unhealthy dynamics while younger women do not, but rather that those dynamics now appear in different forms. Older women may have stayed in unhappy marriages because of financial dependence, social expectations or fear of starting over, whereas younger women may now remain attached to emotionally inconsistent situationships, hoping uncertainty will eventually turn into commitment.

Awuku believes much of modern dating culture is shaped by emotional self-preservation and fear of vulnerability. “Nobody wants to look vulnerable,” she says. “People are wanting to protect themselves from being hurt.” She also explained that people often unconsciously gravitate towards emotionally familiar relationship dynamics, even when those dynamics are unhealthy. “When we find ourselves in a certain type of environment, even though that environment might not be favourable to us, we normalise it,” she explained. “There’s a natural gravitation towards what feels familiar.”

She describes this as “the compulsion to repeat”, where people unconsciously recreate emotional patterns they have previously experienced. “If people are not intentional about breaking certain cycles, they will end up repeating them,” she said.

Awuku also believes situationships are rarely as emotionally casual as people present them to be. “Essentially, what you’re doing in a situationship is getting very intimate with another person while telling yourself there’s nothing more to this,” she explained. “But ultimately one person always ends up more invested.”

Dating While Being a Black Woman

For many Black women, relationships are also shaped by cultural expectations surrounding strength and emotional endurance, expectations that continue to appear across generations. Awuku believes the “strong Black woman” archetype still heavily influences how many women navigate relationships today. “The strong Black woman doesn’t moan about much,” she said. “She puts up with it.”

Awuku linked this mindset to intergenerational survival and historical expectations placed on Black women over time. “We had to be resilient,” she explained. “We couldn’t show weakness.”

That expectation to endure quietly can make it difficult for women to openly express dissatisfaction within relationships or leave emotionally unhealthy situations. According to Awuku, cultural and religious expectations can also contribute to women remaining in difficult relationship dynamics for longer than they should. “There’s this idea of ‘don’t air your dirty linen in public,’” she said.

Race and cultural understanding have long shaped how Black women approach relationships. Onile-Ere explained that being a Black woman heavily influenced how she navigated dating because cultural understanding mattered deeply to her. “I did feel strongly that I wanted someone who understood me to my core,” she said. “It’s about religion, my culture, Black hair, all of it.”

Similarly, this is still evident in the modern dating world. Cassannova, who is currently in an interracial relationship, explained that dating as a Black woman often requires thinking beyond surface-level compatibility. “If we have children, they’re going to be Black or perceived as Black,” she said. “Is this a person that I think is equipped to handle that?”

A report released by dating app Inner Circle found that 49% of Brits still fear backlash for dating someone from another ethnic background, highlighting how race and cultural expectations continue to shape relationships in modern Britain.

Mansaray also believes being a Black woman comes with unspoken expectations surrounding how relationships should be navigated. “There are certain unspoken dating rules that you are expected to adhere to,” she explained, “like not being too easy or being overly strict within a relationship.”

So, Have We Rewritten The Rules?

Modern dating has undeniably rewritten many of the structural rules surrounding relationships. Women have more freedom and financial independence than previous generations often did. Commitment happens later, and emotional ambiguity has become increasingly normalised within dating culture.

Yet despite those changes, the emotional negotiations underneath relationships remain familiar. While older generations often experienced clearer commitment structures, those relationships were not always emotionally fulfilling or equitable behind closed doors.

Many younger Black women are no longer aspiring to replicate those dynamics. Instead, there appears to be a growing rejection of the idea that commitment alone should define relationship success.

Perhaps modern dating has not completely rewritten the rules of relationships so much as renamed them. The language may have evolved from “playing hard to get” to “breadcrumbing”, but many of the same fears still exist underneath. Equally, many of the cultural expectations surrounding young Black women remain. So while modern dating may look different on the surface, the dynamics beneath it are often more familiar than they first appear.